Should You Become a Foster Parent? An Interview Series (#1)

I’m kicking off a new series on foster care, because it’s been a big burden of my heart to share honest information with those who’ve been thinking about embarking on this path. Other foster parents certainly helped us get through that confusing period when you’re plunged into the system and you have no idea what to expect. If you find this series helpful, please share with others who have been considering becoming foster parents. I don’t have to tell you that the need for foster parents is huge (my drug-riddled state, West Virginia, is right at the top of the need list).

For this series, I’m interviewing some of my fostering friends. They might be named, or they might be anonymous, but they’re all sharing to help others make an informed decision. I asked my friends those tough questions you might have wondered about before taking the plunge into foster care, so you can weigh whether it’s the right choice for you and your family.

I’m always very up-front about telling people that foster care might not be the best idea for everyone–especially when there are two spouses and one isn’t ready to commit to it. BOTH SPOUSES (at least in my state) have to attend ALL the foster parenting classes, which for us, involved long, sometimes nearly six-hour stretches during a series of Saturdays stretching over a month and a half, as well as CPR/First Aid class. BOTH have to be fingerprinted and background checked. Someone will come into your house and ask tons of questions–twice–and when they’re finished, they’re going to know nearly everything there is to know about your house and much about your family. If you are uncomfortable with those things (which are really the tip of the iceberg as to what you’re going to experience), you might not want to take the leap.

This series will delve into those kinds of considerations, while also sharing the benefits of fostering. One is obvious–the opportunity to step into children’s lives and help them–maybe even adopt them–but there are other benefits I think you’ll see from the interviews.

With no further ado, I’ll introduce you to my first foster friend–Rachel Fordham.

 

Rachel is the author of The Hope of Azure Springs, a novel that includes foster and adoption themes. She started writing when her children began begging her for stories at night. She’d pull a book from the shelf, but they’d insist she make one up. Finally, she paired her love of good stories with her love of writing and hasn’t stopped since. She lives with her husband and children on an island in the state of Washington.

 

 

 

 

 

Interview with Rachel Fordham on Her Foster Care Experience:

HG: Could you describe the kind of foster care you provide/have provided? (ie: family placement or need-based placements).

RF: We entered foster care with no clear objective. We didn’t know what the outcomes would be. We didn’t know any of the kids. We had no relatives in care. All we knew was we had been blessed in a lot of ways and we felt like this was a place we could help. We were always open to the idea of adopting but didn’t go in expecting that. We told our licensor we hoped to do long term placements or adopt. We were nervous about having kids come and go quickly through our home.

Right after being licensed we got a call that there was a little girl that needed a home. We took her in and she stayed for fourteen months. She was very behind when she came but with love and support she was caught up by the time she left. Helping her was an amazing experience. We hope to open our home to additional children in the future. For now we’ve been grieving the loss of this little girl that filled a huge place in our hearts.

HG: What would you say to parents who are concerned the foster child might be a bad influence for their children?

RF: I think it’s a good sign that you’re worried about this. A healthy dose of caution is always advisable. These kids have come from rough situations. Having said that I think it’s important to know that you have a say over who comes in your home. While being licensed you express what type of child you think would be successful in your home. Saying no to a child is very hard but if you know they won’t be successful in your home it’s best to help them get to the home they’ll be successful as soon as possible. If you have little children it would not be wise for you to take a sexually aggressive teenager. That teenager would be better helped being an only child with a couple that can devote more time to their needs.

It’s okay to say no and to set boundaries.

It’s also okay for you and your kids to take in kids that are rough around the edges and love them. My foster daughter was VERY rough around the edges when she came. She said and did thing that were shocking. But my biological children understood why she acted the way she did and pretty soon she started following the example they set. Love was a powerful tool for both her and my children. They grew from our experience of loving this little girl. It’s easy to dwell on the negative “what ifs” but there are a whole lot of positive “what ifs” that can happen too.

HG: What would you say to parents who are on the fence about whether they should become foster parents? What kinds of things should they do to mentally prepare for this step, and would you recommend it for everyone?

RF: If you are on the fence I’d suggest baby stepping your way towards fostering and see how it feels. You can license and just do respite. You could volunteer to babysit during training classes. Shadow a foster parent and see what it’s like. My husband was a fence sitter for a while too. It’s scary! He finally decided to go forward one step at a time until we were either licensed or something let us know this was more than we could handle. In the end he was the sweetest foster dad around.

There are a lot of things you can mentally prepare yourself for. You can read up and study the system. Get an idea of how it works and a realistic idea of what outcomes might be. But beyond the book learning there are a lot of things you can’t be totally prepared for until you go into it. I thought I’d be able to distance myself enough that it wouldn’t hurt when she left but I couldn’t. The love was so real and powerful I could never have seen it coming. And the truth is she needed that love so even though my heart was broken it was worth it.

I would not recommend fostering for everyone. Some people don’t have the time or patience these kids need. But I would say that more people can and should foster than do. From a religious stand point we’ve all been commanded to love and care for each other. We’ve all been commanded to care for the downtrodden, the suffering. Maybe fostering is the avenue you’re meant to walk, maybe the Lord has another path you’re meant to serve on. Only you know that. But just because fostering is hard that doesn’t mean it’s not right for you.

HG: What kinds of unique challenges should Christian foster parents be prepared for, in particular?

RF: My experience is there is a real wrestle that happens between yourself and God as you try to accept outcomes that don’t feel like they are in the best interest of the child. Letting go and trusting Him when these babies have such hard lives is very difficult. I’ve had to learn and grow (which is a good thing) as I’ve learned to put what I couldn’t fix in His hands. The system is flawed. It’s cruel at times and there are children stuck in the middle of it. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time before when I didn’t know what it all looked like. The stories and pain can haunt you. I have found that my love and trust in God has grown through the experience even when it’s been tested. He is good and he will set it right. But as a Christian trying to be his hands and seeing all the heart ache is hard.

There are also challenges as you struggle to fit children into your family that have a different theological background or a different set of morals into your family.

HG: And now for the dreaded, worst-case scenario question. How do foster parents deal with things if they have to see a child they’ve bonded with have to return to a situation they know is unhealthy or even dangerous? Have you found any techniques to cope with this, for yourself or your other children?

RF: Letting go is much harder than I’d expected. The night before we took our daughter to her new home she crawled up on my lap and buried her head in my shoulder. She looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and said, “I cry in my bed at night.”

“You do?” I said. My chest was already tight at the sight of her pained face.

“I cry because I don’t want to leave you.”

I remember kissing her face and telling her, “This just means you’ll have more people to love you.”

It was like losing a child. I cried. My children cried. We still do sometimes. The grief is deep and lonely. People don’t understand it. They think since you signed up for it that you were prepared or that it shouldn’t hurt because you knew it could come. But it does hurt.

We told our children the night she left that it was okay to be sad and to hurt. We told them they could cry if they ever wanted to and that they could talk about her whenever they needed or wanted to. Then we told them that just because something hurts that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Then we talked about miracles. We talked about the wild little girl that had come to our house and the sweet child that left. We told them that if they were ever asked if they’d seen a miracle to say yes. Because we had and we’d been blessed to be a part of it.

It hurts. It brings you to your knees.

But when my husband and I talk about it we always confess that for her we’d do it all again even knowing how deeply we’d grieve. She’d needed us and we’d said yes.

HG: You probably can’t go into detail, but could you share both the most difficult and the most rewarding part of the fostering process for you (and your family)?

RF: Most difficult- Saying goodbye but I just talked about that. It was very hard when our foster daughter first came. She wasn’t mean or malicious in any way but she didn’t know how to function in our home. She was scared of toilets and didn’t know how to use a fork. I had six biological children and now I had this wild little girl that needed me from the moment she woke up until she went to bed. I remember crying some nights wondering if I was strong enough to face it again the next day. I was tired and exhausted. I wasn’t sure how to help her. Little by little she started to figure it out and I learned to relax and accept that she wasn’t going to look just like a “normal” child her age. Pretty soon I found a huge amount of joy helping her. I studied up on ways to catch her up. I celebrated her successes and what started as a trial turned into a huge joy.

Rewarding- There were so many rewarding moments! One that comes to mind was her kindergarten graduation. We’d worked so hard to catch her up academically and behaviorally. Seeing her stand with her classmates a huge smile on her face was worth every bit of energy it’d required. She was a star! She’d done it and I just knew this girl could do anything.

HG: Finally, can you think of some significant ways Christians can reach out and support those who are fostering?

RF: My neighbor reached out to me when I’d only had my foster daughter a few weeks and she said, “I’m too old to foster but I’d love to help you. Could I read to her once a week?” It was the simplest little request but it meant so much. Not only was she offering to lighten my load but she was letting me know she believed in what I was doing.

A few ideas-

–Offer specific help. The vague “let me know if you need something” rarely turns into actual help.

–Pray for foster parents

–Offer to babysit

–Call or text to say hi. Having a new kid in the home can make going out tricky.

–Donate to foster charities. They provide a lot of great support to foster families.

–Educate yourself about foster care so you can be an advocate when time comes or if laws are being voted on. Together we could help fix the system.

HG: A huge thank you to Rachel for sharing today! Rachel is such a delightful author friend, and I’ve been blessed to know her and talk with her about fostering over the past couple of years. Please check in again for the next fostering post (I’m not on a set blog schedule, but if you keep checking here, it’ll show up sometime! 😉 ) And please share with friends who are on the fence as to whether to commit to becoming foster parents or not!

And do comment if you have a specific foster care question you’d like to see answered in future posts!

Thank you.