Today’s interviewee is author Katie Powner, and this gal has written some remarkably real and practical posts regarding fostering. You can find her uplifting blog here. I’ve asked her the same questions as I did of Rachel (find her interview here) and Dena (find her interview here). As you can see, each foster parent has experienced different things, and this series is all about bringing that information to the table so YOU can be well-informed if you’re considering becoming a foster parent.
Let me introduce you to Katie:
Katie Powner is an award-winning author and mom to the third power: biological, adoptive, and foster. She loves books, red shoes, candy, and Jesus…not necessarily in that order. Check out her website at www.katiepowner.com, and she will donate $2 to the Rehoboth Children’s Home in the Philippines for every new subscriber.
INTERVIEW WITH KATIE POWNER ON HER FOSTER CARE EXPERIENCE:
HG: Could you describe the kind of foster care you provide/have provided? (ie, family placement or need-based placements).
KP: We are licensed through the state and receive calls periodically for a wide range of kids who come into the system. Sometimes we say yes and sometimes we say no.
HG: What would you say to parents who are concerned the foster child might be a bad influence for their children?
KP: It’s impossible to fully address this issue because every situation is so unique. For example, I have three kids of my own, so when a foster child comes to live with us, he is outnumbered three to one. The influence goes one way for the most part. But say you had one child of your own and then took in a sibling group of three…now it’s the other way around. This is why it’s so important for foster families to make decisions and set boundaries about what’s best for their family *before* accepting any placements.
If your children are still young and impressionable, it might be wise to only take placements of very small children. If you have teenagers, nothing is going to impact an eight- or ten-year-old foster child like those teens. Sure, you will be the “parent,” but they will be watching everything your teens do. What an amazing opportunity for mentorship to give your teens!
HG: What would you say to parents who are on the fence about whether they should become foster parents? What kinds of things should they do to mentally prepare for this step, and would you recommend it for everyone?
KP: I believe the long, arduous process my family went through to adopt my daughter uniquely prepared us for the foster care life. All the paperwork, the waiting, the ups and downs, the giving up of control that we endured forced us to trust in God and go with the flow. But not everyone is going to go through an adoption process before signing up for foster care, so what should they do to prepare themselves? Pray. A lot. Talk with their spouse. A lot. Expect the unexpected. Read books like Reframing Foster Care by Jason Johnson. Read foster care blogs, such as Foster the Family (www.fosterthefamilyblog.com) or my own blog Katie Gets It Write (www.katiepowner.blogspot.com). Understand your motivations. If you’re thinking of signing up for foster care because you want to “save” children…because you think you can change their lives by just loving them enough…then you’re going to end up being disillusioned. You might, indeed, save a child from a terrible situation and turn their life around with your unconditional love, but that’s not going to happen every time.
Another thing you need to realize is that the goal of foster care is reunification. If that’s not your goal, if your desire *isn’t* for a child to be reunited with their biological family, you might not be ready to be a foster parent. The role of a foster parent is meant to be a temporary one. Yes, sometimes families end up adopting kids from foster care, but the minute you start thinking of that foster child as “yours,” you are at odds with the process and in for a lot of frustration.
Should everyone become foster parents? No. I’d love to see more stable and loving families become foster families, but this road isn’t for everyone. Reading books and blogs about it and talking with foster families will help you determine if it’s for you. If you can be talked out of it, then don’t do it. See my blog post Top 8 Reasons Not to Become a Foster Parent for more.
To be a good foster parent, you need a good sense of humor and a strong support system. We are part of an organization called ChildBridge, which is a foster family support resource in Montana, and ChildBridge says there are 5 keys to success as a foster parent: 1) Ongoing education about how to parent children from hard places; 2) The ability to utilize available services and resources; 3) Effective advocacy skills; 4) The ability to understand and navigate the child welfare system; and 5) An active support team.
HG: What kinds of unique challenges should Christian foster parents be prepared for, in particular?
KP: I don’t know about unique challenges necessarily, but Christian foster parents certainly have unique opportunities. If you are a Christian family who takes in a child, you are entering into a hurting person’s life. Can you imagine a worse situation than having your child taken from you? The bio parents in these situations are hurt and angry and confused. They are suffering. Struggling. And you, as a Christian person, have the one and only thing that can meet them where they’re at and offer them real hope for change: Jesus Christ.
HG: And now for the dreaded, worst case scenario question. How do foster parents deal with things if they have to see a child they’ve bonded with have to return to a situation they know is unhealthy or even dangerous? Have you found any techniques to cope with this, for yourself or your other children?
KP: First of all, this is a common occurrence. It happens all the time, and you should just assume going in that at some point you’ll have to knowingly send a child back to a situation you don’t think is safe. I’ve done it. Most foster parents have done it. And it’s not going to stop happening. So how do you deal with it? One way is knowing from the beginning that it could happen and coming to terms with that *before* you’re holding a child and wondering how you’ll ever send him back to his drug addict bio mom. Another way is praying a lot. I know I keep going back to that, but it’s one of the most important parts of being a successful foster parent. I have found that praying for my foster child’s parents grows my heart for them and keeps me from starting to believe the child is *mine.* It also reminds me that God is in control and cares about the child and the parents more than I do. When that child returns to that parent I believe is unfit, God goes with him.
HG: You probably can’t go into detail, but could you share both the most difficult and the most rewarding part of the fostering process for you (and your family)?
KP: One of the most difficult parts is the lack of communication from the other parties involved, such as the social workers. Foster parents are rarely informed about what’s going on with the case, what the timeline looks like, what options are being explored, when the next court date is, etc. They’re typically in the dark, and that can be really frustrating. Especially when they get a call from the social worker out of the blue saying, “So-and-so’s going to go live with their aunt in another state. She’s picking him up this weekend.” You have to be able to roll with it or you’ll never survive.
One of the most rewarding parts of the process for our family has been seeing our children’s hearts grow for others. They’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices they didn’t ask for and they’ve done it willingly out of love for these little ones. I think it has helped all of us remember not to take our home and family for granted. It’s easy to think, “Oh, my house is so small. We only have one bathroom. My husband hasn’t gotten a raise in ten years.” But when you get a call on a Friday night because a mom left her baby at daycare and never came back…and when police went looking for her they found her digging for food from a dumpster…and the baby comes to your house and has obviously been suffering from severe neglect…well, it provides a certain amount of perspective.
HG: Finally, can you think of some significant ways Christians can reach out and support those who are fostering?
KP: Pray for them, of course! ? Also, don’t make assumptions. People have so many misconceptions about foster care and can make really unhelpful assumptions, such as “Oh, you’ve had that child for a couple months now, you must be trying to adopt him.” Or “Oh, the bio dad spent the weekend in jail, they won’t be giving him any more chances.” No. Just…no. That’s not how it works. People also assume you know how it’s going to turn out. They think you must know how long the child will be with you and what the end result will be. But you don’t. Even if you think you do, you don’t.
Another great way to support foster families is with tangible gifts, such as meals, gift cards, candy bars. You have no idea how much a Butterfinger bar can mean on a hard day!
HG: A huge thanks to Katie for dropping in today and sharing! There are some hard truths in here, such as knowing that the goal is always reunification with the bio family (until the day it isn’t, which no one can predict), and that it’s not your job to save anyone. That’s God’s job, and He might choose to save that child in ways you don’t understand. I urge you to check out Katie’s blog for more info about fostering. Feel free to ask any questions below of Katie! And don’t forget to share this post with friends who might have been considering foster care!